A happy day (tomorrow) to all of you mothers, potential mothers and people who have endured being mothered. I suppose it is a day to celebrate surviving that complex relationship, no matter which end of it you are on.
This Mother's Day, even though it is only my second, feels a little strange to me. I feel like I don't quite deserve it right now. The past few weeks my daughter Sophia has been working through a spring cold, cough and runny nose that just won't stop. In the midst of this, we took a trip to Florida to visit Grandma and Grandpa without my husband. I am worn down from the whinyness, the constant worrying about the cough and the nose, and the hassle of travel and schedule-busting. Also, I am in no position to handle the terrible two's that have already begun.
Last week in Florida we were having a particularly bad day. By dinner time, Sophia wasn't eating, but was throwing food around the porch, in the pool and at me. Something in me snapped and I yanked her out of her booster seat, stood her on the ground and said, "Just get lost." I even gave her a shove toward a basket of toys. "Also, try not to talk to me for a day," I added.
Then my heart cracked in a way that I don't think can be repaired. I shoved her away and she did not look back. She tottered off to talk with a miniature plastic princess, when a vivid memory came back to me. Growing up, I often felt like I was on my mom's last nerve, and I learned to cower inward and not ask for help because of this. My mom was a terrific mom, but I was the type of kid who picked up and any sort of aggravation or exhaustion from her. Now the way I deal with things is not by complaining, not by talking them through. Instead I find ways of escape in sometimes productive, but mostly dangerous ways.
I shoved her away and she did not look back.
Since then, she has not changed, not that I expect a two year old to change. In fact, on the plane flight home, she made me cry so hard that my tears spilled onto her face. She just stared and touched the tears. This time I said, "I am tired. I am sad. I need to cry. These are tears, aren't they kind of funny? I don't think they are going to stop for a while." She did not shove me away at that moment. She gave me a soft kiss that was a bit slimy from her runny nose, and I have never felt so accepted in my life.
To all the mothers out there, I know it seems like you are doing all of the loving with no pay back or reward, and it kills the spirit at times. I am slowly learning that my child can act like a maniac, a crap-head, an angel and a comedian around me because she trusts me that much. I am slowly learning to never, never shove that gift away.
3 comments:
A loud, proud "Happy Mother's Day" is definitely in order for you! I know that you are doing a great job and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It takes more than a few isolated incidents for serious scarring to occur, and, sometimes, experiences that might seem scarring are actually character-building. I would know, being the first child, the experiment that endured more than my two younger sisters did. ;)
But, anyway, keep your head up and you better believe I'll be begging you for advice when my time to be a mother comes.
Aww hun, everybody snaps sometime or the other. Its not easy keeping patient all the time. Don't give yourself too hard a time over it. Believe me, just the fact that you're feeling this bad about what you did indicates that you're a first class mommy and you didn't mean what you said.
You sound like a really good person. Keep your head up and smile. Your baby's always going to be there for you, looking up to you and loving you. Hope you have a good day.
Jimmy was having a glass of red wine last night, Mother's Day, while I sat nauseous on the couch. Katie was totally rambunctious and jumped on Jimmy spilling his wine all over the place. Because I couldn't make quick movements or I'd barf, Jimmy decided to say, "Katie! What the f$%@???" He said it so loud AND mean that she just kinda looked at him with these really sad eyes and walked away. It took him a while to settle down, but then he apologized to both of us. I'm not sure why, but I thought it was hilarious, maybe because she jumps on me all the time and completely drives me nuts. I mean, we all snap sometimes. My goodness, I have a millions stories like that!!! You're a wonderful mother and person! Don't get down on yourself so much about that sort of thing... you know they're going to be testing our patience for the next 18 some years anyway. Oh man, Lord help us!
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