Oh, okay. Now I get it.

Today Sophia turns two. Now I can stop measuring and telling people her age in months (even though every Mom never really stops), and just say, "Two. She's two. That is why she is acting that way. TWO." I will get looks of empathy from other moms and looks of annoyance from non-moms, but who cares. My baby girl made it to two, and I had a lot to do with it.

This is not to say that the egoic, shadowy part of me was not kicking and screaming from the inside (and sometimes outside) for the last two years. I was (am) afraid, unsure, tired and lonely. Yesterday, a friend had us over with a whole bunch of other friends that I love to be around and share a lot of laughs. I am the only one in this bunch with a kid, and I had mine with me because my husband was out of town, so I honestly cannot remember one conversation from this gathering. I do remember constantly picking up the plastic princesses we brought along, so no one would kill themselves by tripping over them. I do remember sitting at the table with Sophia and asking, "More chips? No, you just had chips. How about some chicken? Okay, don't scream, here are your chips," while trying to listen to the what my friends were talking about in the living room. Something about a favorite show and a funny part of something or other. I knew I would not have been able to contribute if I was a part of their conversation because I doubt they were talking about Dora The Explorer.

Just as that part of me, the one that kicks and screams, was starting to feel sorry for myself, Sophia leaned over and reminded me that I looked like a princess for the tenth time that day. Then it hit me. I was sitting with a friend. My best friend. So we don't have conversations about the degrees we are earning, work and the latest movies and books that have caused a stir...but we get to wipe chocolate off of our hands and faces and splash around in bathtubs, puddles, pools and sprinklers almost every day.

So now I get it. That shadowy part of myself that takes me over used to be a baby, now it is a toddler, and today it turns two, right along with Sophia. I know that the next few years are going to be a tantrum-y whirlwind of trying to figure each other out. The people in my life are always going to grow up, at a different pace, without me. Having a child is making the choice to step out of that pace, to slow down, and to see the world through eyes that are constantly in awe. Today I am going to celebrate this choice. After we give daddy a hug for putting up with us, we will laugh and chase balloons and bubbles, mouths stuffed with ice cream cake.